The curtains were still drawn, as they had been for almost three days. His wallet sat empty on the side, un-touched since...he couldn’t even bring himself to think of her name. He looked to his arm, as the new cuts began to burn his skin. His sister had left seven messages on his phone and had been calling him constantly. He didn’t want to answer. He was lost at what to do. He sat there wondering where she was now, the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. The woman who made him so happy, he never, once, thought it would change. And then he remembered what she did. Why she did it. And now he was alone. The only woman who made him happy, the happiest he'd ever been, has left him with nothing and but emptiness feels his body. He doesn't want to be on his own. But he doesn't want to be here either.
He sat quietly a chair he had dragged out to the beach. His bare feet nestled into the sand. Closing his eyes he breathed in deeply. Things had changed... but this time the change was good. Things were finally looking up again. He opened his eyes, looking out at the crystal clear water. So much had gone wrong. So many people had been hurt. But he would fix it. He hadn't meant to get the way he had. It was a mistake... everything was and he knew that now. By this time tomorrow, he would be thanking the man that helped him sort out everything. Smiling again he sighed and closed his eyes falling into his subconscious mind. By this time tomorrow, the scars would start to heal.
The plane landed. The flight had been long and, as soon as he stepped of the plane, the heat was already prickling his legs. He checked his watch and after grabbing his bag from the baggage claim and made his way through to arrivals. He scanned around and looked for Dom. He felt strange, not wanting to see him, not wanting to see anyone, but it was Dom who wanted him to come out. He sighed a little and waited. Stepping up from the escalator Dom spotted Billy standing near the chairs in the waiting area, eyes cast downwards. He walked slowly, pausing every couple of seconds to get a good look at his friend. It had been so long. Almost 2 years now... He felt guilty about not returning any of Billy's calls but... But, as he thought the night before, everything was going to change and he was going to make it up to everyone. Smiling now, Dom walked quickly, breaking almost into a run, to where Billy was. Throwing his arms around Billy's shoulders he squeezed. "Welcome to Hawaii Bills!"
((scroll up for prologue))
"Billy!" Dom called knocking on the door of Billy's room.
Billy pulled back the curtains quickly, shedding a small bit of light in. He checked himself in the mirror and tried to make himself a little more presentable before pulled down his sleeves and absent mindedy tossing the knife into a small duffel bag under the bed. He answered the door quickly. "Hey!"
"Hey!" Dom replied smiling as he hugged his friend. "You okay?" Dom asked crinkling his nose. His friend sounded a little breathless as he whipped open the door. Looking past his friends shoulder he saw the curtains open, and a clean room, nothing was out of place.
He half nodded and opened the door a little more. "Yes," he said softly. He tried to ignore the burning in his arm, and was grateful he was wearing a dark shirt. "I'm ok, are you?"
"Yeah I am!" Dom replied smiling as he walked into the room. "Nice place in here... But tonight you are coming back to my place right?" Dom asked as he bounced onto the bed, patting the spot next to him for Billy to sit.
Billy closed the door and smiled. "If you want," he said going over and sitting next to him.
"Yes I do want." Dom smiled again and put his arm around his friends shoulder. "Why would I not want you there?"
Billy shrugged. "I don't know.." he forced a smile. "I'm still tired! My brains not working!"
Dom laughed and shook his head. "Excuses excuses. Do you want to head over there now? I can help you get your things." Dom said standing from the bed and grabbing a strap from a duffel bag from under the bed.
Billy nearly bolted over to him. "Uh..NO!" He stopped himself. "I'll...get it.." he said, his heart pounding.
"Naw its okay Bills!" Dom laughed looking at his friend. "Why? You got some porn in the bag?" Dom asked pulling the bag fully out and swinging it onto the bed. "So what goes in here?" Dom asked walking away from the bed towards the bathroom. "Toiletries?"
Billy tried to reach for the bag. He could see the knife just folded between the zipper and the side. "its fine, Dom!" Billy said, reaching out for it again. "I've got it.." he reached out and missed as Dom blocked his way.
Dom froze and looked at Billy. "Billy? What’s going on? What’s wrong? What do-" Dom stopped as he looked at the bag. "Billy..." Billy stopped, his breath catching and he stared straight at Dom before walking over to the bag. He curled his fingers around the knife and sighed, looking down. He didn't know what to say.
"Billy." Dom said breaking the silence as he stood beside his friend. Carefully he slipped the knife out of Billy's hands and pushed Billy's shoulders until he was sitting on the bed. Dom sat down next to him and placed the knife on his lap. "Billy..." Dom sighed, unsure of what he was going to say. Billy remained silent. It was like he was a child getting scolded by a parent. He looked down, straight to the floor, not moving, not speaking and doing his up most to contain his pounding heart. He hated the silence. The energy flowing between them was not the good kind and that just made Billy feel ten times worse.
Dom looked over at Billy's face and shook his head. He knew his friend felt uncomfortable and that’s not what Dom wanted. Dom wanted Billy to trust him. Dom reached over to start to give Billy a hug. Billy flinched but relaxed as Dom hugged him completely.
He still didn't look at him. He couldn't bring himself to. He bit his bottom lip and felt himself welling up.
"Do... do you want to talk about it?" Dom whispered and rolled his eyes at himself. He thought he had sounded extremely pathetic... But, he had to ask
Billy frowned slightly and took a small breath. "I...don't know why I did it," he finally said after what seemed like hours.
Dom looked down and took Billy's hand. "Listen to me, We are going to figure this all out okay?"
Billy pulled his hand away. He felt cold. He could see the worry in his friend's face and it ripped him up seeing that. He frowned a little, looking down and then back to Dom's face again. "I need help," he said in a small, child-like voice.
"We will get you help." Dom whispered kissing the top of Billy's forehead. "I promise, you will get through this."
Billy sighed and very carefully rolled up his sleeve. It was the worst he'd done in a long time. "I mean..." he shocked himself at the sight. "I think I might need the doctors."
"Billy!" Dom said more shocked then he had wanted to sound. "Come here, why didn't you say anything? You just sat... Come here!" Dom said again standing and pulling Billy up with him as he walked into the bathroom. "I am going to wash your arms of a little and then I am going to bring you to get them fixed up okay?" Dom asked turning on the water and waiting for Billy to reply
Billy was stood, but he was shaking. His whole body shook and he couldn't seem to gain any control over it. "S..sorry.." was all he could say. He whispered it over and over, tears falling from his eyes--he didn't even realize until he felt them run over his nose. "Sorry..." he whispered again.
"Bills... Don't be sorry just... next time... try calling me okay?" Dom said looking away from his friend's pained face, feeling himself want to cry along with him. Carefully he ran Billy's arm under the water, making the sink turn red. "I am here for you to talk to... You don't need to.. do this."
"I did call.." Billy said in a near whisper. Even as the blood washed away, it still looked bad. "I called eight times," he said softly.
Dom paused for a second and looked over at Billy. "Shite Bills... I... I am so sorry. Was I on set? I... fuck..." Dom said falling silent as he continued to wash Billy's arm. Billy looked down and didn't answer. He was still shaking. Not as bad now, but he felt like a stupid kid. He winced a little as it stung and he bit his lip in a bid to lessen the pain
Dom wet a washcloth and carefully wiped over the cuts. Billy jumped when it first touched his skin but he stilled and let Dom continue. Grabbing a clean towel, Dom lightly dabbed at the cuts that were starting to bleed again. "Did you do the other arm too?" Dom whispered
"Only a bit...not like this.." he whispered. He looked to Dom. "What will they say?" he asked softly. "At the hospital?"
Dom didn't answer as he took Billy's second arm to wash. "I think... they would bandage you up." Dom said talking slowly and sighing. "And then they would probably want to keep you over night, just because they wouldn't want you hurting yourself. They might send in a counselor for you to talk to as well." Dom said turning off the water and patting Billy's arm dry.
Billy shook his head. "I don't want to go.." he said suddenly. He moved his arm close to his chest and walked over to the bed. "I'm not going.."
"Bills..." Dom said following him out. "These will hurt a shite load more if they get infected. They know what they are doing. I won't leave your side no matter what they say. They would have to pick me up and carry me out and even then I would still come back."
"I'm not going.." he said again. "I'll...do it myself.." he said. He turned away from Dom. "I don't want to go, Dom."
Dom sighed and walked over to Billy. "Fine. I wont make you go. But I don't want you hurting yourself again." Dom said picking the knife up from beside Billy and sliding it into his pocket. "What else do you use?" Dom asked quietly.
Billy felt himself growing annoyed. He didn't know why. It wasn't Dom's fault. He just felt so frustrated. He didn't answer him and stepped over to the double doors that led to the balcony. He sighed as he rested on the side and looked out to the beach. He just wanted to scream and shout and tell the whole world to piss off.
Dom watched his friend standing on the balcony but didn't go to join him. Looking down he sighed and sank to the side of the bed. Just coming out and asking to take everything away from Billy wasn’t the right move... he should've known that. Resting his head in his hands he sat still for another moment before he stood and went to Billy. "I'm sorry..."
"Why are you sorry?" Billy asked a little harshly. He'd not intended it to come out that way. He kept his eyes ahead, not turning to Dom.
"I..." Dom froze and looked down. "Because I know me asking to take everything away isn’t what you need." Dom said quietly.
Billy sighed a little, doing his best to keep his temper level. "You wanted to help," he said slowly. His arm stung and he felt it burn again as the coolness of the water faded. "You did what you thought was right,"
Dom nodded and then, knowing that Billy hadn't seen him for he was turned he spoke. "I just want you to be okay Bills. I want to help... I just am not sure how... you're the one that is good at helping me..." Dom said moving to the side a little, trying to get Billy to face him.
"I’m not good at helping you, Dom," his voice dropped. "Its you that does it...not me." he sighed. "I'm a fuck-up Dom...everyone thinks I’m so damn perfect. I know Elijah and Orlando do..they always call me when something’s wrong, thinking I'll know just what to do to help them out...everyone...even people that don't even know me, they think I’m all happy with..no real flaws, just a few bits of shite in my past here and there. It pisses me off, dom." he sighed.
"You're perfect to me." Dom sighed and stood leaning on the balcony. "I am sure there are people out there that know, you have some flaws. It only makes you human. Others only think of you are perfect, no flaws, because they have flaws of their own they cannot handle. We all need someone... and I am sorry I haven’t been there for you like I should've been. So very sorry." Dom sighed, looking down at his sneaker.
"But...I'm not..." Billy whispered. "I'm not perfect, Dom..." Billy sighed. "And you've got nothing to be sorry for...you...have work now. It's what you do."
"It's something I do true, but its not what I have to do. Sure, I love acting, but Bills, you mean a hell of a lot more to me." Dom said licking his lips as he took a deep breath.
"You can't be expected to run to my every need...you live in a different part of the world...if we were closer.." Billy stopped, suddenly realizing why he felt so frustrated. He sighed and finally burst into tears. "I miss you so much," he admitted.
Dom quickly wrapped his arms around Billy's back before he even thought. "I've missed you too Bills... so much... shhhh, I am here now though." Dom held Billy feeling him shake. Dom felt the tears soak through his shirt as he tried to calm Billy down. He had missed Billy, a lot, but he had never acted on it. Instead, he acted like an arse. Always, an arse. "Things are going to be different now though." Dom whispered.
"Why didn't you return my calls those times?" Billy whispered into Dom's shoulder. "When you were on a break?"
Dom closed his eyes and sighed. "I... I honestly don't know Bills... I..." He stopped again and sighed. There was nothing he could say to apologize.
"but.." Billy sighed, knowing there was probably no answer. "But you promised me you would."
"I know Billy..." Dom said trying to hold back tears. He shouldn't be crying. He was the one that acted the way he did. "I was just an arse... like always. I... I don't even know Bills. I am so sorry...."
Billy slowly pulled away from Dom. "Was it me?" he asked very softly. "Did I do something?" Billy realized half the reason he was cutting so bad was because he was adamant on the fact he'd done something to Dom. He'd never actually asked him, but for Dom to break his promise was the only thing Billy could rely on.
"No! Billy it wasn’t you at all! It was.. me." Dom looked down and shook his head. "It was... I think..." Dom started then sighed. "I had just got back from Scotland from being with you and I was attached to you. I felt like a child needing his father again. You helped me so much. Then Lost happened and I was so happy because what you told me had come true, 'things would get better.' But then.. things were getting weird on set and I didn’t know what was happening and I was scared I was going to be that person I was 6 months ago. I didn’t want to go back, and I wanted to try to battle this on my own so you wouldn't have to help me with my petty problems. you had a life too." Dom said shrugging. "I didn’t want to just be hanging off you... I didn’t want to be annoying to you like I am to everyone else..." Dom stopped and sighed.
Billy looked at Dom, his face emotionless, but his eyes compassionate. He looked to his friend's face for a long time and sighed and little. He stepped over and rested his hand on Dom's arm. "But I'm not everyone else." he whispered. "I never thought you were annoying. I never have, Dom...and I probably never will." He sighed. He took Dom back inside and sat down on the bed with him..."I don't ever what you to think that, Dom...ever. I made a promise to you over eight years ago...I said I would be here, no matter what, and I intend to keep the promise. You've come so far, Dom you really have...and even though you're nearly there...you're not quite ready to do it all by yourself." Billy rested his hand on Dom's knee. "You still need to find the right path...But right, now you're still walking it, trying to decide which way to turn." He smiled at Dom. "You're still my Merry..." he whispered. "And I promised you...the very first day you were my Merry, that I would help you."
"But now it's my turn. Merry's turn to help his Pippin." Dom said after a pause. He felt a tear slide down his cheek but he didn’t bother to wipe it away. "I should've known Bills.... I really should've.... I was a dumb arse hole." Dom said looking up at Billy. "I am so sorry... I should've been there helping you no matter what it took. But I am here now... I am going to help you and I am going to make it up to you." Dom said placing his hand on top of Billy's knee.
Billy tried to smile, but his face dropped, the color draining completely away from his cheeks. He felt his stomach lurch and he moved off quickly, running to the bathroom and he started throwing up. He always had hated the sight of blood, and stupidly, he'd glanced down at his seemingly blood-soaked sleeve.
Dom stood and followed Billy to the bathroom. "You okay?" Dom asked rubbing his friend's back as Billy heaved again. Once Dom was sure Billy was okay Dom helped him stand. Looking at the blood soaked and soiled shirt Dom walked him to the bed. "We need to change your shirt and get these bandaged up." Dom said unbuttoning the shirt and reaching in Billy's bag to get a clean one.
Billy threw the shirt to the floor and nodded. He gave a soft sigh and placed the clean shirt on the bed once Dom had handed it to him. "There's some first-aid stuff next to the night table," he told Dom.
"Okay." Dom said walking to the second bed in the room to a case at the floor. Opening it up he saw the kit laying on top of neatly folded clothes.
Billy sat down and sighed, he tried not to look at his arm, he tried to keep his attentions elsewhere. "What about the party tonight?" he asked softly. "Not the best way to start a celebration..." he whispered, feeling ashamed.
Picking it up the first aid kit, Dom opened it and took out the bandage tape and some cut ointment. "Well, if you don't want to hang out with everyone we can stop by quickly and then slip out. I am sure no one would really notice." Dom said carefully rubbing the cream on Billy's arm. "I do know everyone really wants to either see you or meet you."
Billy sighed. "alright," he whispered. "I'll go..." he winced a little but then looked to Dom. "You do...still want to be my Merry, don't you?" he asked very softly.
"I will always want to be your Merry, Pippin. I can't even think of what I would do if I weren’t your Merry. You want to still be my Pip?" Dom asked smiling softly and pulling Billy to his side.
Billy took a while to answer. He wanted that more that anything, but within the last few months, things had been so different. "Sometimes..." Billy whispered, instantly regretting saying that.
Dom nodded and looked down, biting his lip. "Yeah... okay... that’s good right?" Dom asked standing up putting some random articles of clothing into Billy's duffel bag. "We... uh should get heading over to my house." Dom said but he wasn’t sure if he actually said it aloud. What Billy had said hurt, more then he thought it ever could. He knew, in some aspect, he deserved it for not being there when Billy needed him.
"I'm sorry," Billy said, putting his shirt on. He turned away from Dom and slipped into the bathroom, closing the door. He sighed and slid down the door, closing his eyes and trying his best to cry quietly.
"Billy..." Dom said leaning against the door. "Billy come out. I understand okay... you have nothing to be sorry for."
He didn't answer. He bought his knees up to his chest and rested his head against them. He cursed himself for saying something so stupid. This was meant to be a good trip. He'd not seen Dom in months and so far, it had been shite. he would have rather stayed at home.
"Billy please!" Dom said sitting across from the door. "Talk to me at least?" Dom said quietly after Billy refused to answer.
Billy didn't know what he was supposed to say. All along, he'd know full well, that Dom had it in him to go really far. Be really successful and get to where he wanted to be. If their friendship wasn't so tight, maybe then, it would be easier to accept. There was slight regret that Billy knew this, because with success came loss. Billy sighed. That sounded ok in his head. He knew if he was to say anything, it would surely come out wrong.
"Well... Since you aren’t talking..." Dom said sighing. "I want you to know that I am glad you came out here Billy. I have missed you more then I think I could ever say. Evi, Josh, Matt, even Lij, liv, Orlando... they are all my friends and I care about them a lot. But not like I do you Bills.... You are different and I am so lucky that you are my friend. I don’t know how to prove to you... with...how sorry I am..." Dom said leaning back against the wall. "You know, I remember the first time I ever met you Bills. You were talking with Orlando, telling him he looked elf like, and I was so scared... and confused, and you just walked right up and said hello, Merry, I am your Pip." Dom chuckled softly. "And I.." Dom stopped and waited to see if Billy would say anything now. Looking down at the carpet he started to play with the fabric strings. "Billy.." Dom said again.
Billy felt soft tears running down his face. He remembered that, too. He ran his hands through his hair and leaned his head back against the door. He didn't know what to say now. he was confused...he was angry, hurt, worried...he was even scared. He quickly wiped his eye and bit his lip again.
"Billy." Dom said quietly unsure about what he could do or say. A couple tears fell from his eyes and he stared at the door trying to guess what Billy was doing. He loved Billy more then he could say and the fact that he was hurting... made Dom hurt. "Stupid, fucking, arse hole." He said to himself as he hit his head on the wall behind him. He knew that right now was all his fault. And he knew that he had helped to contribute to the times before. "Dom your such a fuckup." He said again and looked at the door again. "Billy..." He whispered
Billy frowned hearing Dom say those things. He didn't like him saying those things, but right now, Billy was so down he couldn't even begin to see the way out. It wasn't just about his money and his stupid ex, it wasn't just about his lack of work, the self-harm, it was about him and Dom and how different things had become and how Billy could see no way out, of it getting better again.
"Billy... I am sorry." Dom said aloud sighing. "I... I don't want you hurting yourself anymore and maybe part of it is because of me. I want to help you Billy. I want to be there for you. But if you think it would be better if I.. I don't know... left then I will. I need you to tell me what to do Bills. I am scared. For me and for you. I want to help you but I don’t know how... And I.." Dom stopped and waited.
Billy felt his heart sink lower that he could ever imagine. He'd gotten so used to his life without Dom--without his Merry--but always, in the back of his mind, Dom was still there. He was so confused. He didn't want to hurt anymore, but he didn't want to just forget Dom. He moved up a little, reaching out for the blade on the sink. His thumb ran over it gently. That wouldn't help him find the answer, he knew that...but right then he didn't want answers. He wanted something--anything--to get him away from everything. Not just Dom, not just now, but every single little thing that had gone wrong in his life. He didn't want to hold onto it anymore.
"Billy, please. Just talk to me." Dom whispered as he got onto his knees in front of the door. Looking at the door knob he tried to figure out if he could get inside. Sure, it might piss Billy off a little but Dom needed Billy to talk to him. "Billy, please." Dom said noting that he had to press something small into the hole to open the door.
"I got used to it you know.." Billy finally said. He found a wash-bag and pulled out her painkillers. "I thought it wouldn't matter...not having you..." Billy tipped them out and counted six. He tipped some more out, counted nine. "But coming here...I had to force myself to be excited." he admitted. He reached up and poured himself some water. "I never wanted it to be like this...by god I tried, I really did..." Billy said, "I called you...left messages...I even bought a ticket to come out here only to find you'd gone off with some new friends you'd made." He lined them up on the floor, the razor next to them. "I never ever thought letting go would be this hard..." he said softly. "But it is...it's like there's a noose around my heart and someone is just waiting to kick the box..." he set the drink down and sighed. "Because I know I can't do this anymore...I'm tired of waiting. I'm bored of trying...but it hurts too much..." he picked one up, putting it in his mouth. "So I'm going to grow numb to it."
"Billy..." Dom choked out tears falling freely down his cheeks. "Billy... we can get through this.... you never had me gone... I was always here... and maybe not as much as I should've been. Billy please, come out here... I am so sorry." Dom sobbed as he trembled with pushing a hair clip that was on the carpet into the key hole. "Billy... please." Dom said as he opened the door. As Dom opened the door, the glass smashed to the ground. Three small slits on Billy's left wrist cut deep into his skin. Billy jumped slightly as the door bust open and at first, he was angry, before his whole body just slumping. He shook violently as Dom stood over him. He'd not taken anymore that five painkillers. He said nothing. He avoided Dom completely.
"Billy." Dom cried out as he knelt down on the smashed glass. Whipping the washcloth from the sink he grabbed Billy's wrist and applied as much pressure as he could. "Billy... why.." Dom said trying to stop crying.
Billy struggled, trying to pull away from Dom. Trying to handle it himself. "I said why.." he half shouted, half cried. "It doesn't hurt so bad now..." he said, moving away from Dom.
Dom grabbed Billy and tried to get him to stop moving away. "Billy, don't do this please!" Dom sobbed as Billy continued moving back.
"Why?" Billy suddenly shouted, frowning at him. "Why not? At least then you won't have to sigh loudly whenever I call...you won't have to pretend you missed my call or accidentally deleted my text..." He threw the razor down, it hit the floor and bounced against the wall. "You won't have the worry of saying you never got my email or the responsibility of getting back to me!" His voice rose a little more. "Because for the last seven months...maybe longer, that's all it's been, Dom! That's all it's fucking been! So help me god, I will do this and rid you of at least one burden!" he slammed himself against the wall, his head pounding as he started to feel dizzy.
Dom froze and look at Billy. "No Billy... that’s not what I want..." Dom said, his lip trembling again. "I... Have I done this to you Billy? Have I made you feel like life wasn't worth it? There is nothing I can say to... Oh god Billy." Dom said taking a shaky breath. "I let it get to my head... something I swore I would never do..." He whispered to himself. "And it almost lost me my best friend... " He said looking at Billy who was breathing heavily against the wall. "I.. Billy?" Dom asked as Billy started to slide down the wall to the floor. Dom sat beside him and turned to face him. "I.." he sobbed looking away. Billy was his best friend. The only one that had ever cared. And Dom blew him off... Dom was the one who was wrong.
Billy couldn't focus anymore. His eyes kept closing, he felt himself drifting and then he would snap right back. "Sorry.." he said. "Like you always say.." he whispered. He slumped down a little more and sighed. "Sorry means..." he said through short breaths. "That you won't do it again," Billy paused and took another breath. "This is the 67th time." Billy concluded.
"Billy? Billy!" Dom said jumping to his knees and shaking Billy's now frail form. "Billy what did you take... what did you..." Dom said searing around the bathroom floor. He spotted the bottle of pain killers and snapped back to Billy. "Fuck.. oh god Billy! How many did you take... fuck. FUCK!" He grabbed Billy's back and pulled him up. "What do I do..." He thought closing his eyes, thinking. "Billy!" Dom choked as a fresh well of tears spilled from his eyes. He picked up Billy from the ground and carried him from the bathroom to the bed. "Billy you can't leave me. Listen to my voice okay? I need you here with me. I am so sorry... so sorry." Dom cried as he yanked the phone up from the rest. "Billy.. come-on stay with me okay? Do you remember..." Dom started rambling about random memories from the cast as he dialed 911