"But I’m okay.." he said softly. He half hoped the light of the evening and the moon would hide how pale he was now. "I’m...okay." he said.
"Billy?" Dom whispered moving away slightly so he could have Billy sit up and face him. "Billy what's going on?" He asked panic running through him. Billy was shaking, hard. His expression was starting to waver. "Billy? Talk to me!" Dom said searching his eyes for something, anything.
He blinked a few times and frowned. "I.." he tried to talk through shivering. "I don't know.." he said.
Dom ran a hand through Billy's hair. "Billy, your burning up." Dom said taking Billy's arms and helping him stand. "We need to get you inside..." Dom said and with one easy motion he picked Billy off of the ground. "When did you start shaking and everything?" He asked as he started walking into the house.
Billy shrugged slightly. "I was.." he said in between shakes. "When I woke up from that dream." he trembled a little again. "I thought that’s all it was." he said softly as they went back inside
"What were you dreaming about then?" Dom asked softly as he started up the stairs.
Billy frowned slightly. "Uh.." he was quiet for some time. "It wasn't very nice." he said softly.
"Well..." Dom said as he walked into his bedroom and placed Billy on the bed before pulling the cover up around Billy. Walking around the side of the bed he crawled over so he was resting beside him. He stroked Billy's hair and kissed his warm forehead. "Do you want to talk about it? It might help."
Billy looked at him for a few seconds. "Just about some...stuff..in the past." he said frowning slightly.
"Oh." Dom replied nodding. Pressing his lips lightly to Billy's brow he pulled the covers up a little more. "It's in the past though. And things are better now." Dom whispered. "You look like you are about to pass out. Try getting some more sleep okay?"
Billy sighed and rested back against the pillows. He rolled over so he was facing Dom. "Will you still be here when I wake up?" he asked very softly.
"Of course." Dom smiled as he slipped between the covers. "I won't leave you." He smiled and wrapped his arms around Billy's back, pulling him closer. "If you have another nightmare, wake me up okay?" Dom whispered reaching over to turn the light off.
Billy nodded and closed his eyes before Dom turned out the light. "I love you, Dom," he whispered.
"I love you too Billy." Dom whispered smiling into Billy's hair.
Billy woke up just before six. He smiled at Dom sleeping with his mouth open slightly. He gave a small snigger. He got out of bed and got himself dressed in some comfortable clothes and then just laid over the bed. He gave a small sigh, trying not to let how he felt get the better of him. He didn't know if he should call the doctors, but he decided to wait, see how he felt.
"Morning..." Dom yawned moving to wrap his arms around Billy's waist to hug him good morning.
Billy smiled and laid close to Dom. "Did you sleep okay?" he asked softly, kissing Dom gently.
"Perfectly." Dom smiled kissing Billy back. "I had a dream that was interesting." He said giggling.
Billy smiled. "What happened?" he asked kissing Dom’s shoulder
"Well... You can't laugh at me." Dom said feeling his ears turn pink. "We were hobbits again, and people started throwing apples at us, not hard but just to us so we could eat. And then Orlando and Viggo and Lij were there and they were all hobbits too... and we all sat in like a pow wow and ate apples. and then Viggo pulled out a camera and started taking pictures and I asked him how he got a camera in middle earth and he shrugged and shouted tig as he punched Elijah. Then I woke up." Dom said shrugging.
Billy smiled. "That is weird!" he giggled. He kissed Dom's arm again. "I missed you." he smiled.
"I know!" Dom laughed and snuggled closer to Billy's side. "I missed you too.” Part of Billy's shirt had ridden up and he kissed the bare skin of Billy's stomach.
Billy smiled and leaned down, he bought Dom's face gently in his hands to his own face and kissed him on the lips. "Love you." he smiled. He kissed his neck and ran his fingers over Dom's back. "So much." he smiled.
"And I love you." Dom said scooting up to kiss Billy easier. "More." He said kissing Billy, a smile on his lips.
Billy moved away and let out a small cough and nodded. "Good," he smiled in between coughs. "I wouldn't want it any other way." he smiled
"Billy..." Dom said taking Billy's cheek in his hand, making Billy look at him. "You are sick. I am going to go get you some soup okay? and I will call the doctors to see if I can get you there or if they can come." Dom said kissing Billy softly before getting off of the bed. "No, don't argue. Would you like chicken or tomato?" Dom asked cutting off Billy's protest.
"Dom... Its almost six in the morning. My body will accept nothing but coffee." he said attempting to smile.
"Well...." Dom said stopping to think. "Fine, but you are staying here!" Dom said turning to go put on the pot of coffee. "If you move, I'll attack you." Dom said smiling cheekily and leaving the room.
Billy half smiled but his smile faded as Dom left. His chest felt so tight. It felt much worse today than it did that evening. He gave a small sigh and looked down at his arm. He ran his finger over the scars that were forming and he looked at it for some time, his mind blank. He had come so close to doing it again. He didn't know how much longer it would be until he gave into it all over again.
Whistling a little tune Dom half-skipped half jumped down the stairs. He went into the kitchen and quickly put on a pot of coffee.
Billy got out of bed, going to the door he stood there a while listening in. Dom's voice echoed up to him but it was distant. He turned away and went to the drawer pulling out a small pair of scissors. It wouldn't take long, he thought. It would take ages to make a coffee. This would only take seconds.
Leaning against the counter he watched the drips of coffee fall into the pot. Moving away from the counter he tried to sneak up the stairs so he wouldn't disturb Billy. There was no point in just sitting downstairs waiting for the coffee when he could be upstairs with Billy. "Billy your coffee is almo-" Dom froze in the doorway.
Billy spun round, throwing the scissors down. He bit his lip and looked a mixture of worry and hurt. He held his arm, his expression still worried his mouth opened a little. He didn't say anything.
Dom just stared. So many things were going through his head. Emotions were spinning around, trying to get control. He didn't know what was winning, but soon he felt a tear slide down his cheek. Without saying anything he spun on his heel and ran down the stairs.
Billy looked down and gave a small sigh. He wanted to go after him, something was stopping him. He wanted to call out. He couldn't utter a word. He looked to the scissors, narrowed his eyes and picked them up again. They were the reason he couldn't go after Dom.
Dom ran through the kitchen, ignoring the beeping that was emitting from the coffee maker and he tore his way around the corner flinging himself to the ground of the bathroom. He felt sick. Very sick. Why would Billy be cutting? Was he not good enough? Did Billy regret being with him? What if Billy didn't really love him... what if he had forced himself onto Billy... "Oh god..." He said jumping up to the toilet, spilling all of his stomach's contents. He loved Billy so much... but Billy didn't love him. Kicking the door closed Dom didn't care who would be coming down to get him out. In the back of his mind he didn't think Billy would come anyways. Billy didn’t care.
Billy closed his eyes tightly, biting his lip and the burning pain ran up and down his arm. He ignored the tears in the corner of his eyes and frowned again as another cut was made. He didn't look down, he didn't look at what he was doing. He just hoped he'd miss anything that could cause long-term damage.
"Why?" Dom screamed through his tears as he kicked the door. "Why!? When everything gets fucking alright again?!" He kicked the door again.
Billy heard Dom from shouting downstairs and he started to cry. He gave a few soft sobs and crawled onto the bed. He pulled the covers over himself trying to ignore the throbbing of his arm he tried to ignore the blood on the sheets and buried his face in the pillow he just wanted Dom
"I don't understand..." Dom whispered slumping against the side of the bathtub. What went wrong? What was Billy unhappy? 10 minutes ago Billy was laying soundly in his arms... what went wrong?!
He cried harder now, feeling sick and his throat was on fire. His arm was throbbing so much and he closed his eyes tight. "Dom.." he whispered. He couldn't say anything else. His cry grew a little louder. "Dom.." he sighed again. "I’m sorry.." he said. He bit his lip. "I love you I’m sorry..." he whispered over and over into the pillows
"Billy... why...." Dom whispered looking up at the ceiling. His room -where Billy was- was right above him. "What do I do?" He called. "I love you Billy! Tell me what I am supposed to do!"
Billy cried out Dom's name again, a little louder than the other times. He wanted to go to him so badly, but he couldn't. Suddenly, his chest grew tight. He started coughing heavily, and tried to catch his breath in between saying sorry, calling for Dom and holding his arm. The tears flooded down his face.
"Billy..." Dom squeaked out, choked on his tears. He had heard something faintly above him. "Billy!" Dom screamed out, trying to stay silent as to determine if Billy was actually talking to him. "What do I do Billy?"
Billy coughed again and staggered over to the door. He called out for Dom again, his voice small, but loud enough. He called out one last time before having a huge coughing fit and he slid down the door, gasping for breath, crying and closing his eyes.
"Billy?" Dom whispered hearing something, someone, fall to the floor. "Billy..." Dom cried opening the door and running out of the bathroom. Taking the long way around the living room as Dom took off up the stairs and stopped before his bedroom door. "Billy?" Dom sobbed weakly.
"Sorry.." was all Billy could whisper. "I’m sorry...I love you." his breathing was fast and his voice was small. "I’m sorry..." he whispered again. "Sorry."
"Billy." Dom said falling to the floor in front of Billy. "Why Billy, why?"
"I.." he looked to Dom, his eyes filling with tears. "I was scared." he whispered. "I’m sorry.." he leaned forwards slightly. "It wasn't you." he said, and closed his eyes again.
"Why are you scared? What scared you so much?" Dom asked wiping away his tears as more fell down his cheeks.
"I don't want to lose you." he whispered.
"I am not going anywhere! Talk to me Billy please." Dom whispered moving closer to the door way and Billy. "I want to help you... but you are blocking me out."
"I dreamt I did." he whispered.
"You dreamt you did what Billy? You dreamt that you cut?" Dom asked quietly.
"I dreamt I lost you, Dom.." he cried. "I dreamt I lost you and I don't want to..I...love you." he cried.
"Billy!" Dom said wrapping his arms around Billy's shoulders and pulling him close. "I'm not going anywhere! I am not leaving you! and you are not going to lose me!" Dom whispered crying once again. "You should've just talked to me... Oh Billy..."
"Sorry.." he whispered against Dom. "I’m sorry." he whispered.
"No... Billy...." Dom kissed Billy's brow lightly. "I'm not leaving you, I promise.”
"I love you, Dom.." he said through small tears. "I do.." he whispered, "My arm isn't that bad.." he whispered. "Its really not."
"And I love you!" Dom whispered. "I'm not going to leave you." Dom looked down at Billy's arm, seeing the blood already spreading onto his shirt. "It is... we have to go get you cleaned up." Dom whispered.
Billy gave a soft sigh and followed Dom to the bathroom. He sat down on the toilet-seat and kept his eyes to the ground. "I’m sorry.." he said softly.
Dom nodded but didn't answer. Reaching above the cabinet he grabbed a wash towel and ran it underneath the water. "Ready?" Dom asked
"Don't.." Billy whispered. "I know your pissed with me..." he gave a small sigh. "I'll do it on my own."
"Billy, I'm not pissed at you." Dom said pulling his hand away so Billy wouldn't take the washcloth. "I'm just... confused. I don't know why you do this to yourself. And I want to help you."
Billy looked at him. "And I didn't know why you decided weed was a great choice, but I didn't question that." Billy replied softly.
"I..." Dom said before looking away. "I'm not questioning Billy. I want to understand. And I want to help, like you helped me. Give me your arm." Dom said then added 'please'.
"You know when you felt all lost in the dark?" Billy said. "Before you took the weed?"
"Yes..." Dom said quietly, not wanting to bring up bad memories.
"Well its like that..." Billy winced a little. "And you know when you took it...and everything just stopped...it still hurt, but it wasn't as dark?"
Dom nodded at recalling the feeling as he rinsed the washcloth under the water again. "Yeah... but I stopped. You showed me what it was really doing."
"Doesn't mean you've not thought about going back.." Billy said softly. "And I know when you were shooting Lost and you had that two-month break, you did...you stopped yourself, but you still slipped up again." Billy told him, forgetting Dom did not know of Billy's knowledge of this.
Dom looked up at Billy his eyes wide. "I... didn't..." Dom stopped and placed the washcloth on the sink before turning away. "I didn't want to."
"You still did it, though." Billy said.
Dom closed his eyes and bit his lip. "So what is this now Billy?" Dom asked quietly. "Bring back everything I fucked up with? I know I'm a fuck up Billy I know okay?! But that’s not the problem right now is it?"
"Never said that, Dom. I’m just letting you know that we're not so different me and you...we both have slips. This is mine and that's yours." he stood up and sighed. "I’m not trying to argue with you. You said you wanted to understand. That's all I wanted to do." he walked away closing the bedroom door. He didn't want to fight. He couldn't fight anymore.
Dom watched as the door shut in front of him. "I least I can't kill myself with what I do." Dom whispered.
Billy sighed and ran a hand through his hair, he stood, looking out the window. Everything looked so perfect outside. If everything was like that in his mind, there would be no trouble. He couldn't explain it to Dom, right then he didn't feel like it. He just wanted to wait until Dom was calm so they could sort it out.
Dom stood and opened the door. Walking across the room her ignored Billy until he paused at the front door. "You can go clean your arm now." He whispered before he left to walk down stairs and sit in one of the chairs to flick on the television.
Billy didn't respond. He simply grabbed his coat, made his way down the stairs and saying nothing, left the house
"Fuck." Dom whispered getting out of the chair and getting a crutch from the side of the closet. He didn't know how far Billy would be going. “Billy where are you?” He called ignoring the fat he was still in a T-shirt and boxers.
Billy was only by the gate of the driveway. He turned back. "Here..." he called softly. He turned back up towards the drive.
Dom stood in front of Billy and sighed. "Come here." He whispered dropping the crutch and reaching forward to give Billy a hug. "We need to talk."
Billy stepped over to him and half caught him. "I just didn't want to fight. I thought I'd go out." he whispered.
"I don't want to fight either." Dom said quietly knowing it had been he who kept fighting.
"I know you think...well, I know too, but what I do...I know the dangers of it, Dom...but..." he frowned slightly and sat down on the grass. "Its weird...but when.." he sighed a little.
Dom sat next to him and crossed his legs, hands on his knees. "But when...."
"But when death is pretty much the center of who you are...it kinda outweighs a lot of stuff." he said very carefully.
"Do you feel dead Billy?" Dom whispered.
"Sometimes.." he said frowning.
Dom nodded and looked away.
"Why?" he asked "You said we had to talk."
"Well, we do don't we? We were arguing... and you got upset... and we got angry... and... I'm sorry Bills." Dom sighed.
"Why didn't you answer me when I said sometimes?" he asked.
Dom looked up at Billy and shrugged slightly. "I just... didn't think you would feel dead inside anymore." Dom whispered.
"Why?" he asked. "What do you think?" his voice was quiet. "I want to know." he said softly.
"Well..." Dom said and shifted uncomfortably. "I was dead inside too. But then... you came to see me and we got a lot of things out... and now we are together... and.. I am with you. And then last night... and Billy, I just don't feel dead anymore." Dom looked up into Billy's eyes. "I've never felt more alive."
Billy smiled. "I only said sometimes, Dom...when you're here...that's not the case. But I get scared sometimes...things happen which make me think of things that made me feel so dark and alone...like that dream. They say if you have a lot of deaths in your life, it shouldn't scare you...but it scares me. I'm so scared to think I'd lose you.." Billy's voice trailed off. "Everyone I ever loved died. I don't know how I could handle it if it happened to you." he said sadly. "That’s all." he finished.
"Billy..." Dom whispered running his hands through Billy's hair. "I promise you I'm not going anywhere." Dom whispered pulling Billy close to him before kissing him gently.
Billy nodded. He rested against Dom and sighed. "I’m sorry, Dom."
Dom moved his arm around Billy's shoulders, pulling him closer. "No, I am sorry." Dom whispered.
"It isn't that bad..." he said. "And.." he looked to Dom. "It won't kill me if I cut on the top of my arm." he showed dom. "I wasn't anywhere near a vein."
Dom glared briefly at Billy before rolling his eyes. Kissing Billy's neck he took Billy's arm. "It still looks bloody painful." Dom whispered kissing part of the skin that had been washed. "We have to clean this up so they don't get infected."
He rolled down his sleeve quickly. "It'll be alright." he said softly. "And Dom?" Billy said smiling slightly.
"Yes Billy?" Dom asked catching Billy's small smile.
"You really shouldn't roll your eyes like that...makes you look, well.." Billy sniggered. "Gay."
"Shut up you wanker!" Dom giggled shoving Billy slightly. "Last time I checked, that wasn't a problem with you!"
Billy smiled. "The eye-rolling? That’s bothered me for years!" he giggled. "You.." he smiled, kissing Dom’s lips. "On the other hand.." he kissed his neck "You don't bother me so much."
Dom giggled and wrapped his arm tighter around Billy's waist. "You aren't so bad yourself." Dom said kissing Billy and rolling his eyes for good measure.
Billy scrunched up his nose. "I hate it!" he giggled. "Don't!" he smiled. "Don't do it!"
Dom giggled again and rolled his eyes, inching his face closer to Billy before kissing him. "Fine... if you really don't want me too..." Dom said rolling his eyes once more.
Billy pushed him backwards so that he fell onto the ground. He grabbed a handful of grass and threw it all over him before pinning him down and sitting over him. "Just because you have a bad leg, doesn't mean you're an exception." he giggled.
"Well now Billy." Dom said grinning and moving his legs, trying to make Billy fall over. "Pinning my arms down eh?" Dom whispered rolling his eyes again before laughing and smiling cheekily
Billy smiled as he trapped one of Dom's legs down with his own. "I’m not letting you go!" he smiled. He moved his other leg between Dom's and giggled. "I could really cause some damage you know!"
"I bet you could. But instead of causing damage, I think you are just going to kiss me." Dom replied smiling again.
"Am I?" Billy giggled. "You sure about that?" he asked, inching his knee a little closer.
"I..." Dom said swallowing and blinking. "I think so yes."
"Really really sure?" he grinned, moving his knee so it was almost touching.
"Billy fuck, kiss me!" Dom said struggling at Billy's hands to try to get away. "Billy..."
Billy pressed his knee against Dom and grinned. "Talking like that will get you no-where."
"Please Billy!" Dom cried out struggling even harder.
"Begging me now, are you?" he giggled.
"Wanker, please!" Dom whispered trying to sit up again.
Billy leaned down and kissed Dom so hard he surprised himself. his hands loosened slightly and he rested down full length on Dom, kissing him deeply
Dom kissed him back, slipping his tongue between Billy's lips. He wrestled one arm away from Billy and wrapped it around Billy's neck, pulling Billy deeper into the kiss.
Billy moaned softly and smiled into Dom's mouth moving his tongue over Dom's trying to taste him as much as he could. His fingers danced through Dom's hair and he pushed upwards so his weight wasn't right over him.
Dom, feeling the space Billy had made between them, lifted his knee up so his leg was also between Billy's. "I love you." He said breaking away from their kiss. "So much."
"Don't even think about hurting me," he giggled against him. "And I think we should take this else-where.”
Dom giggled rolling over on top of Billy, kissing him hard before helping him up. "And never Billy. I will never hurt you."
Billy took his hand gently. "Want to go back to bed? It's still only early?" he smiled, kissing Dom's neck.
Dom smiled and interlaced their fingers. "Bed sounds nice. You know, we are going to have to leave it eventually..." Dom giggled. "Green room or blue?" Dom asked referring to each of their bedrooms.
"Green I think.." Billy said going up the stairs. "I need to...wash my bed." he said softly.
"Green it is." Dom whispered kissing Billy softly.
Billy smiled, and kissed him gently. "Is your bed very comfy?" he asked.
"You will soon find out." Dom whispered smiling and pulling Billy into the room.